The Adder

2003-07-09T16:56:00.000Z

ADD is a clever little sod

Okay, I take medication and I can behave in a more appropriate, organised and less distracted way. Excellent.

I set alarms on my ipaq, I even purchased some alarm software to make it easier, but it doesn't quite work. I am often in meetings when the alarm goes off and due to the way the software works, I can't snooze it. I don't really want to take pills in the meeting (and have to explain what they are for) and the previous dose wears off and I forget! Sneaky little ADD!

Any ideas out there?

I'm also learning more about the way distraction works, at least for me. A distraction can start with something that is genuinely worth switching to for a moment. This usually requires looking at something on the internet or intranet, then that leads to something else. 3 hours later the original task is long forgotten. This all happens very subtly, clever ADD.

Anyway, do your best. Six tasks cleared today, including a couple of biggies. ADD is clever, but Ritalin and I have a plan!

Today's words: Subvert, alarm, medication

2003-07-04T10:26:00.000Z

Recognising the changes

At work I'm finding that my concentration and focus are variable. This is natural, I'm sure non-ADDers find this. It's a typical open plan office and there is a lot of background noise. In many respects it's probably the most distracting office I've worked in. Usually I create the distractions myself, by doing anything but my job.

I now use my iPod and classical music (I find vocal stuff too distracting in itself) to block out people who feel the need to shout on the phone!

I wanted to say a bit more about sleep time. Before Ritalin I used to have trouble sleeping. A big factor in this was the rather anxious thoughts I found myself having, basically worrying about anything. This was probably because I never dealt with anything and things grew into big issues. These days my to-do list is a working list, not something I add things to and then ignore!

Busy weekend lined up, all work and no play makes Johnny a miserable boy.

It's Independence Weekend in the US. I no longer work for a multi-national, so this could be the first year in some time, when one of my American colleagues doesn't ask me if we celebrate July 4th!

I've added an email link, so if you want to drop me a line, feel free.

Today's words: Play, colonial, anxiety

2003-07-02T16:42:00.000Z

Sleep and energy - like the old days

Monday was a good day until I didn't take my Ritalin! In a good mood I got of the train and soon realised that I'd left my wallet behind. I'm guilty of forgetting just how scatterbrained I can be at times. Moral of the story, ADD doesn't just affect my job!

I also wanted to comment on a further development for me. Initially the Ritalin seemed to stop me getting to sleep, but that affect has gone now. Having started work I am sleeping for around 5 hours a night and feeling fine on it. I'm not utterly exhausted as I have been in the past, when getting up at 6.30am. It's a good feeling and is reflective of my sleeping patterns as a youngster. The only conclusion I can draw is that I am getting better sleep now. I do have more energy generally too. Perhaps because I am not burning it up being hyperactive!

I went to Glastonbury this weekend and it was something special. Friendly people, great music and a 1,000 experiences that you can't write down. The place is huge and the entertainment is so varied. Go there at least once if you can, not to be forgotten!

Okay, that's all for now.

Today's words: Scatterbrain, energy, festival

2003-06-30T17:06:00.000Z

A long overdue update

I've proven to be entirely hopeless at keeping this up to date, but I am going to give it another go. I have now been taking Ritalin for just over 6 weeks, although it seems much longer. On a conscious level I am more aware of when I haven't taken the Ritalin, than when I have, if that makes sense?! When my medication is working I have time to consider my responses and my actions, without it I do not have that time and revert to blurting.

Within two weeks of starting the medication I had two job interviews and two job offers. The benefit of the medication was especially clear at the second interview. It took place in an open plan office, full of distractions. I focused, shut the world out and gave one of my best interviews to date.

And so to work! So far so good. To cut a boring story short, I am involved with enabling business change, aligned to particular technologies, a Business Analyst in fact. To achieve anything here will require patience, commitment, persistence and plenty of lateral thought. Some of those come naturally to me, the medication is going to have to help elsewhere.

The big leap forward for me, has been my self organisation. I have always been a typically ADD mess, when it comes to organisation. At the moment I am very organised. My desk is tidy, my to-do list is under control and I am doing things when I have told people I will do them. I need to be clear here, I'm not living in some self created vocational nirvana, but I am coping, possibly even thriving right now. I am very conscious that I have to retain that control and must not take my eye off of the ball, so to speak.

At home I am calmer and less prone to blurting at the least provocation. This is to everyone's benefit and I hope things will get better still.

My plan is to continue to establish myself at work, to keep things on an even keel and then hopefully to start to use my spare time to further some of my other dreams. Writing and share trading are top of my lists.

Share dealing brings me on to financial management, which has improved but has a long way to go. I need to bring the same rigour to that as I have to my work. I have always been a disaster in this area, continually spending 110% of my salary!

For anyone concerned and reading, the share trading will take the form of investigating some old theories I have, it's not going to be some mad speculative flutter!

For those that are interested, my dosage is: 20mg 8am, 10mg 11am, 20mg 2pm, 10mg 5pm, 10mg, 8pm - I do have a tendency to miss the 8pm one though. 12-2pm is proving to be the most difficult time of day right now.

Thanks for reading.

Today's words: Organisation, pause, progress

2003-05-15T22:46:00.000Z

Another Good Day Gone Bad!!

First things first. It's been another very productive day, no manic switching between activities, little dead time and lots achieved.

Ironically as I right this, the opposite is true, 8 hours after the last 5mg of Ritalin and I'm all over the place. Not in a horrible way, but in an overly multitasking way.

It's a pain, but I can live with it the evening after a good day. Let's be honest, I've had 34 years like that.

All of my minor tasks were done today and I made good progress on the bigger projects.

Better news still, come on smile for me, I have a job interview next Thursday. It's great news and although I'm counting no chickens, it'll be a good experience at least. It's well paid and would make an enormous difference to our situation, as we are basically living beyond our means.

So a good day to this point. 'How did it go wrong?' I hear you ask (I must have either very good hearing or a good imagination).

Tomorrow we leave for Cardiff, me and my partner (let's call her F for now), my Mum and my Dad.

For those not in the know, Cardiff is the scene for this years FA Cup Final. It's the third time in a row for our team and we've had great weekends in the past.

Then we have a bomb dropped. Mum/Dad huge row! No Cardiff. We're a hot headed family and we say things we don't mean too quickly (did you say ADD at the back? Spot on) so all might not be lost yet.

To help (yes, start to laugh) I spoke to my Dad who is as clear an ADD case as I've personally seen in an adult. Cue, huge and stupid argument.

Now my Mum and Dad might sort it out in time (they always do) but I've added another complication to it all. I did my usual ADD blurting game and put my foot in it.

Fingers crossed that we can all resolve this in time, to enjoy what would and could be a great weekend. If you're not a football fan, support Arsenal anyway, we're the good guys :-)

Fingers crossed I won't be posting until Sunday and telling you about a great time and a great game.

Today's words: Parents, interference and progress

2003-05-15T00:50:00.000Z

A Quick One While He's Away

At the moment I'm taking 10mg Ritalin in the morning, 5mg at lunchtime and 5mg more in the afternoon. I definitely find myself functioning best in the morning at the moment.

It's been a good day, but the distractions were creeping in more this afternoon. I was finding it difficult to pull my head back in.

As usual I'm also having trouble sleeping until 1.30-2.00.

Not much to say today, it's 1.35 am and thankfully I am getting tired.

Five brownie points, if you can tell me where the music reference in today's title is from ;-)

Today's words: Brevity, dosage, insomnia

2003-05-13T23:10:00.000Z

Retrospective One

I'm probably talking to myself here, but maybe someone is reading and getting a perspective.

Today's been a busy day with lots of thought, realisation and understanding.

It's becoming clear that my previous financial recklessness has come back to haunt us. At a time when I'd love to have options, it is clear that I'll have to knuckle down and go back into IT for some time.

I've spent the 10 years (where did they go!?) since graduation in IT.

Here's where my story takes a typical ADD path. I've had seven jobs in these years and the pattern is always the same. Initially the job is interesting and I flourish, I get lots of positive feedback, boosting my confidence and my ego! Over time my interest flounders and so do my prospects. I leave and find a better job.

This culminated in a very high paid consultancy job, in which I achieved very little, aside from travelling around Europe and the US that is. When I left by mutual consent I blamed the CEO, in hindsight I was entirely to blame and I wasted another great opportunity.

Next step for me was to run a business, I found a business partner and apart from turning around some crisis situations with some excellent work, I achieved nothing. My continuing lack of stimulation outside of crisis situations was now becoming a ridiculous problem.

I left and started another business, again with great opportunities and I wasted it due to procrastination, not finishing projects and basically doing everything except what I needed to.

I'm like the guy in the flood that waited for God to rescue him.

The opportunities I have had, go far beyond what I deserve.

It's okay, I'm an optimist and an incredibly fortunate person to have a partner that has supported him so much. I feel that with extra focus, I can use some of the potential, stop upsetting people and become a welcome member of peoples lives.

I'm learning about the Ritalin, it doesn't take temptation away, distraction is still round every corner.

Today I am sitting there, working through a task (amazing enough) and I was distracted by a thought that led to me opening up a browser. This is where the Ian V2 bit comes in. I nipped the thought in the bud and went back to my task, the whole process seemed pertinent enough to put on here, so I opened up notepad and started typing!

Distraction comes in many forms and is a dangerous bed fellow. I won that battle though and completed my task in time for tea!

Today's words: Introspection, opportunity, battle

2003-05-12T17:54:00.000Z

Two's still company

Today is better, last night was a bit of a blur and we've talked since. We are both having a difficult time and ADD isn't particularly helpful in any stressful situation. I'm a very difficult person to live with and I appreciate this. Hopefully Ritalin will help me to help myself in this respect.

Rumours of our demise are a little premature. The one thing I am is tenacious, so we're not giving up yet.

Tonight is comedy night, the local theatre has a gig once a month and I'm looking forward to having a few laughs :-)

In my anger last night I watched an episode of Grand Designs we were going to watch together. I am so vindictive! Well, it makes a change from breaking a door.

This is the last day on the low initial dosage, tomorrow I will be taking double the dosage of Ritalin and I could sense a little more distractedness today. I hope and expect the extra dose will help. I'll keep you posted.

I've got through quite a few tasks and progressed better than I normally would today. Things are still looking positive and I find myself thinking about all the people with undiagnosed ADD, wrestling with the NHS.

I hope I have the decency to help others follow my path to treatment if they want to.

Today's words: Laughter, consideration, commitment

2003-05-11T23:10:00.000Z

And then there was one

I have lived with this, through the childhood I can remember and all of my adult life. I have had every major symptom of Attention Deficit Disorder.

It's so early, so few days but in that time of treatment I have been able to concentrate better than I can ever remember. Time will tell, but I am even starting to organise myself. I have a huge task list and it doesn't daunt me. I know if I handle one thing at a time and stick with it as I have done for the previous few days I will clear it.

With each passing day hope grows.

Today I saw Hope Springs at the cinema, one word really, don't. Better than this Arsenal beat Sunderland 4-0, more too much too late!

I suddenly feel like a subject of a cheap American reality TV shows.

'When good days turn bad'.

My partner and I had a massive row, which I think was triggered by my ADD behaviour. It was pretty serious and I felt unsupported with regards to my ADD. She needs to give me time, to see what this diagnosis and treatment will mean to me.

Today's words: Anger, irony, regret

2003-05-11T01:51:00.000Z

One day at a time - those numbers just won't go.

I'm beginning to get used to the idea of taking pills, my iPaq has appointments ad infinitum and I'm raring to go. Okay, these are not interesting appointments, there is no train journey, no receptionist and no meeting, but me and this little white pill are developing a routine.

I'll soon be the typical pensioner about town with a delightful pill box and a handy banter in lawn mowers.

From my perspective as an ADDer, today was an easy day really. Two visits to the cinema to see 25th Hour, excellent and Darkness (ratings?) Falls.

In the cinema it's dark, and hopefully the film is the only source of noise. With no distractions this is an ideal place. I never realised this until I looked into ADD a couple of years back. It seems to me that being a cinema buff for 20 years is partly due to the environment in which the films are shown, kind of like a self-medication. I find it much harder to hang on to a film at home. Of course this'll be a wonderful excuse to build a home cinema some day, but for now I'll survive with my unlimited cinema card.

With an extra day of experience I'm able to consider the Ritalin effect again. My latest thought is that it's a noise reduction system. Right now, late at night and with the drug effect worn off, I am typically distracted. I have 7 windows open on the PC and at least as many in my head. I am writing this in 10 word bursts, interspersed with posting to usenet and reading news.bbc.co.uk.

Earlier today I set myself some tasks and completed them. Not amazing to the non-ADDer, trivial even, but to me it's an important step and it's a gradual build to my confidence. The distractions were still there but I was able to force my attention back to the task in hand. Three days ago my mind would have felt like several tangled balls of wool in this situation, the task left unfinished and most probably forgotten.

Other changes? Well you could ask my partner about the difference between 9:25 (10 mins post Ritalin) and 9:45, we had a huge but typical argument in which I lost my rag so easily and with little provocation.

Inside I can feel myself wanting to interrupt, to press my case and then I shout. Twenty minutes later I felt much calmer and able to keep any disquiet to myself, I think this was the Ritalin.

My driving also seems a little more safety conscious and a little less thrill conscious. For everyone, this must be good.

It's too early to call this a second impression, so I'll say that my first impression is still positive. I am optimistic that the drug helping me here is Ritalin and not just a good old dose of placebo hope. Time will tell.

Tomorrow we've decided to look at finances, like all ADDers I have been hopeless at keeping on top of money issues. Poor work in a household, appalling when you're trying to run a business.

And for my blog, it will be a good day to start looking back. Then perhaps I can share the reasons that this diagnosis and treatment mean so much to me.

Today's words: Dark, focus, windows

2003-05-10T00:15:00.000Z

Day of a first

I've given up counting the days now, I thought it was getting too much like a Big Brother summary. Day 5 in Ian's head and the multi-tasking thoughts have been voted out...

A word about last night first, a brilliant evening (it was a birthday present from my partner) seeing Blur live at The Astoria. An amazing concert and Damon Albarn was on fire! Everyone should see 'We've got a file on you' live at least once.

Today is Ritalin Day 1 (haven't completely removed the counting I see). The prescription of 90 tablets (30 days at my initial dosage) was picked up and I was ready to go. At the chemist I was reminded of how older people seem so much friendlier. A casual smile lead to finding about petrol driven lawn mowers, 2nd World War demob days and meeting a fellow Gooner (Arsenal fan for those not in the know).

Down to business then. I'm not a pill popper by nature (although nature seems to have pushed me into becoming one), but I was full of expectation and had no hesitation before taking the first pill.

For the interested, I'm starting with 5mg, twice per day.

First things first, it's not a sea change, I didn't feel initially different. The change, if I have read it correctly is much more subtle and probably more disquieting because of it.

My mind has always been an orchestra without a conductor. Busy, loud and often without direction. In hindsight I've tried to categorise the feelings and it's like this. My mind was like lots of balls of string that I was constantly grabbing and not quite unwinding.

Having taken the Ritalin my mind felt empty at first, I think it is just the strangeness of only thinking about one thing at a time! I'm used to having 4 or 5 thoughts entwined and darting for attention.

The strange thing is, I find myself thinking about what the drug might be doing so much, that it fits in with the view that an observed system is always affected by the observation!

Time will tell, but my first impression is positive and it's looking good. Amazingly I did everything on my to-do list today, if I come close to this on future days, I will be a happy man.

Keep the luck coming.

Today's words: Fun, reflection, string :-)

2003-05-08T13:14:00.000Z

Day Three

I can immediately regard yesterday as one of the most emotional days of my recent life. Understandably the trip to Bath was one beset by strong feelings of anxiety over the appointment, what would I do if the expected diagnosis doesn't come through?

In true ADD style I forgot the reference number for the train booking, but was too anxious to enjoy the irony of it.

The process that has taken two years to reach this point, has grown in my mind to take on massive proportions and as I've said, was a massive junction in my life.

Being joined on the trip by my Dad didn't really help. He's not one for talking about feelings and despite almost certainly being a life long ADD sufferer himself, he doesn't discuss it at any length.

The appointment was nerve wracking. I got to tell the Doctor all of my concerns, problems and all of the issues and behaviours that I thought were ADD related. Of course he asked questions on various subjects. In a throwback to my school days I had a 'Note from my Mum', describing my inattentive, hyperactive childhood, this clearly helped.

Well, you can see where this is heading, I got the diagnosis I expected. I officially have Attention Deficit Disorder with some Hyperactivity.

Walking from the meeting rooms where the appointment was held, I called my partner and we shared the relief. I was on the brink of tears and only the presence of my Dad stopped me from crying. In fact as I write this the tears are right there again.

I can't explain how much this means, it's a vindication, an explanation and a reason. A myriad of missed opportunities and failures are in some way accounted for.

I don't want to reflect on what might have been, this would be easy to do, but I do want to look forward to what will be.

I have a prescription, that with luck will be available via the NHS (i.e. effectively free) in due course and I have a plan.

Today I file my prescription and will start my program of Ritalin very soon.

An eventful day finished with watching Arsenal beat Southampton 6-1 in the FA Cup. Too much too late on that one.

At the end of the day one great journey is over for me, but it just leaves me at the start of another, a journey that I feel I am equipped to make.

Wish me luck.

Today's words: Relief, trepidation, expectation.

2003-05-07T07:55:00.000Z

Day Two

I'm ready to leave for Bath now, but feeling tired. As usual I was still awake approaching 2am and with an early start, I need a black coffee. All the feelings of yesterday remain, but you can add a stomach in knots to the list. More later....

2003-05-06T21:22:00.000Z

Day One

This is a blog about a life with ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder for those not in the know - that's not to say that the subject will be primarily ADD. It's just a view from a different pair of eyes, in a different place.

Anyway.

Today is hopefully my last day with undiagnosed ADD, because tomorrow I visit a doctor. A doctor who specialises in ADD that is. In the UK, where I am based, finding somebody who can diagnose this in an adult is not straightforward and not free. For me it will involve a 7 hour round trip and a not too insignificant outlay. I like double negatives by the way.

It has already been a week of minor personal disasters by association, but it will get better!

So, you see why this is an ideal time to start the blog. I'm on a cusp.

Will I be diagnosed, how will it change my life, will I be prescribed medication and if so, what will that do?

It's not so much a crossroads, more the centre of a spiders web!

Today's words: Excitement, nervousness, hope.